That day when a lot of us look back at the year that is about to end.
For me, this year has been full of challenges and changes that, as frustrating as it’s been at times, has led to an amazing level of inner growth. Inner growth that is only measured by ones own experience.
My intention is always to be honest, to show me, good and bad, no matter how scary it feels. Actually, if I feel afraid, I know that that is the route to go.
This way maybe I’ll inspire someone else to dare to show themselves and both be truthful to themselves and to others.
I believe this is the only road to self knowledge and to grow as a human being.
2018 started out with a major change when the manager I had at work was finally let go. This person had for a year been bullying me, blaming me for everything that went bad, talking about me behind my back, lying about me and taking credit for anything that went well-every sign of a psychopath.
I had struggled with a bad back, probably made worse by this situation and also by my work being very physical.
Towards the Spring my back finally found its way back to normal again. What a joy to be able to work out as usual and have my focus on something else than protecting my back.
For a year I had thought about moving back to Sweden and in June I took that step. So far I haven’t had one moment of regret. Even with the winter darkness I’m happy to be here.
I moved back into my own apartment, re-doing, painting, buying new furniture, starting to create my new home, and I loved it. Taking my time I’m still working on it, or maybe I should call it playing, since it’s all fun.
In August I picked up Winston, then an eight week old, cute as be, French Bulldog. He’s turned out to be as smart and stubborn as they come. At times it actually felt too much, him chewing on everything, trying to jump up on everything, always challenging me.
Him being very focused on me did make it easy to have him off the leash though and he learns most things very quickly so with time I’m sure he’ll move through his now teens and come out a balanced “good” dog.
Having well deserved time off during the summer, I was offered work at the same company I had been working for. This unfortunately changed without explanation. Set me back, both financially and emotionally.
One core value of mine is honesty and to stand by ones word and it always upsets me when people don’t. Not the first time this happened so again I was reminded that “when people show you who they are, believe them”, so yet another opportunity to let go and move on.
Then we come to the big finale.
In the middle of looking for work I found out that I have (hopefully had now) breast cancer.
After all the very familiar (this being my third bout) tests, on December 17 I had surgery, removing my left breast.
How I decided to have this done, left me pretty uncomfortable and not sleeping very well. After two weeks though, the pain is almost gone, the discomfort easing up and I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel.
One day at a time and one step at a time is what’s keeping me steer towards healing, inner development and yet another step closer to more of who I am which is where I know life is.
Being where I am right now, I know that 2019 will start with deep curiosity, even more honesty and all the courage I can muster. I also know that anything is possible and illness is about inner, deeper discontent, so if you can be honest with yourself and dare to look deep, healing is always, always possible.