After a horrendous day of pain and despair, I take another shot of the medication that’s causing the pain and lay down on my bed.
Can’t sit so all this talk about living life as usual, working out, taking walks, being active…..what bullshit! If you can’t even sit up how the f-k are you supposed to live life as usual? Your (nurses, doctors) usual life must be very different than mine.
I do decide to take an aspirin and ask my liver, my kidneys and the rest of my body for forgiveness. That and laying on my nail mat does actually help and I sleep better than in a long time. I suppose I will just have to give in and pray that my body can handle it.
Wake up early, with energy and a will to get up and write, do something worthwhile, live and not just survive the day.
This shit definitely puts a perspective on life.
Yesterday I asked for help, help to do my laundry, help to clean and so many people came through. Not an easy thing to do, being the one who can handle anything, who does everything herself, who is strong, capable and independent.
But remembering that everything in life is an opportunity to grow, to learn, to become more, this is probably one of those steps that have gotten lost in all the physical discomfort.
Gotten lost in the surviving the pain, the fear, the loneliness and this morning there was actually space in my brain to remember that if there isn’t more than the physical self, for me, life is just not enough.
So noticing that a slightly uncomfortable part of asking for help is giving up control. To leave my life to someone else.
Will i owe them? How will I pay back? Can I ever say no now?
Unchartered water…..both disturbing and exciting.