Feeling better, more like myself even though a thought of me seems to fly by now and then. Where did I go and how do I get me back? How can I continue this without losing me?
It’s as if every moment is a physical sensation, experience, discomfort, pain, worry, fear and moments of easing up, and my inner me has gotten lost.
So much focus and effort on managing side effects that the deep, inner cause gets hidden further and further down.
In the midst of the horror of it all, I can accept me getting lost, but now that I’m feeling better why am I not looking deeper and doing some inner work?
Maybe too much enjoyment to just feel “normal”. Having enough energy to walk and even work out a bit.
Enough energy where a blood test is just one short errand and not the one thing for that day, to muster up enough energy to get to and from.
How can I find myself and turn my focus away from chemo and towards something more meaningful, something that’s me?
Three more months of this! Who will I be at the end? Will I be lost? Lost in a fog of drugs, chemicals, side effects, exhaustion, boredom, loneliness, fear and sadness?
Or will i find a way to notice me, pull me up from that dark hole, to again look for healing, to find ways to grow and remember my passion and reason for going on?