Wake up with a slight feeling of hope, of excitement for a new day and with little bit more energy. Maybe today I’ll be able to get out of the house for more than just a dog walk.
Feeling stronger, more grounded and more like myself you’d think Winston (the dog) would respond to that but NO (!). After the quick out to do his business (first thing we do so that he can be calm until it’s time for our walk) he goes berserk in his bed and pees on it, which he hasn’t done in weeks, not since I’ve limited his living space as suggested by the dog trainer.
He starts jumping and nipping at me which is a regular morning routine and the only solution seems to be to tie him up. Otherwise he’ll also start barking which I don’t think my neighbours enjoy at 6/7 in the morning.
I pin him down etc and do what I’m supposed to calm him down and show him who’s “the boss” but even that doesn’t help much although finally I get him to “give up” and right now he’s sleeping in his bed.
It’s not as if this is my dog but a creature that now lives in the kitchen while I try to rest my chemo exhaustion away. Who doesn’t want to cuddle, who is nervously focused on me but isn’t with me, who learns things so easily but continues to challenge me daily and who I constantly feel guilty about not being able to give him what he needs, which I don’t even know what it is.
Both Gabi (http://www.hundudden.com/om-oss/gabi.html) and Cesar Milan (https://www.cesarsway.com) say that you get the dog you need. Really!!! This is what I need, in the midst of chemo? And even without chemo I don’t know if I could or even want to handle this.
And, of course, feeling so guilty, about even having these thoughts about a sweet face like his.
(Hoping it won’t rain today so that I can take him to an outdoors drop in dog class where we can learn how to meet other dogs politely-I suppose I haven’t given up completely yet :)