This time rougher than the last and a little, or maybe more than a little, we do tend to forget, better than the first.
I feel invaded, poisoned and like my body isn’t mine. How can I do this to myself? How can I go against my beliefs and my thinking about health, healing and wellbeing?
Going to bed last night, my face is swollen, red and hot. I think from the Cortison for nausea, but maybe I ate something that doesn’t mix well with it?
The feeling of being exhausted no matter how I try to rest is so uncomfortable. Right now I don’t know how I’ll manage going on my morning walk with Winston.
Some of it, I get, due to waking up at 3 am and then spending most of the time until getting up, worrying about the next three times when chemo is different concoction. The list of possible side effects even longer, more severe and too scary for my brain.
I mean, I’m so happy that the cancer hadn’t spread and that this is for “just in case”, but so hard to do something so severe to yourself when it might not even be necessary.
Today I wish I had an angel here to take care of Winston (him being completely crazy this morning, due to my low energy, I’m sure), lunch and dinner and all that and of course me. But maybe it’s good that I have something to point me in the direction of tough, strong, self-sufficient, brave and that person who can handle almost anything, that is me?
(And at least I had the strength to write this :)