Yesterday i felt this wave of gratitude wash over me. The intensity of it made my eyes tear up. Gratitude for cancer, gratitude for chemo.
How weird is that and how amazingly clear that everything we go through, everything we experience has a blessing in it. An answer, and opportunity, a message, whatever it is we’ve asked for, looked for or longed for.
Most of my life I’ve struggled with a a sense of depression. I wouldn’t call it being depressed, since I’ve been, am close to people suffering and it’s much more than how i would describe my state of feeling down, being frustrated, struggling to feel good.
Most mornings I’ve woken up and felt a kind of dread and sadness, wishing for something that would make me feel happy and excited about life. Most of the time it’s changed over the course of the day but many time never left.
Of course, I have many things to be happy about.
I have a wonderful, amazing and loving son. I’ve had jobs that have been satisfying and fun. I have friends who are always there to lift me up. I’ve travelled and even lived in one of the most exciting places in the world, New York.
And still there has always been that sadness, lurking, waiting to take over.
I’ve walked in the woods, worked out, done yoga, meditated, read self help books, taken workshops and so on and so on and still….
I’ve asked the Universe for help and knowing after my first bout with breast cancer that you should be careful what you ask for, I’ve always added, anything but cancer.
I suppose this time the Universe both listened and didn’t because this time i feel like i couldn’t get away. Away from the chemo, away from the helplessness, the discomforts, the fear, the looking both at the physical aspect and the inner, deep reason for it all.
I’ve noticed so many deep shifts in me since this all started.
I’m calmer, more present in my body. It’s much easier to let go of the small stuff, of not care about insignificant things that pass by. I am more intuitive, seeing, hearing and feeling things on a deeper level. I experience my interactions with people much deeper, clearer, closer.
I care so much less what others think about me, about my choices, about my life.
And then there is that, almost always presence of enjoyment of pretty much anything. A new day, the weather, rain or shine, my daily dog walks, painting another door, talking to a friend, my hair growing out (hoping it’ll continue and if not well then another opportunity), feeling stronger, a good meal, having done the dishes and yes, pretty much anything.
This has come from this time breast cancer and through chemo (horrors and all) so I am grateful and I am filled with joy without anything and everything in particular.