Today at chemo, my nose start stinging, I feel a heavy pressure on my chest and then a rush of heat up into my head and think I’m going to faint.
Call out and two nurses and doctors come running.
Stop the drip, saline and sugar solution instead and some extra cortisone.
Checking blood pressure (normal) and oxygenation of blood (also normal).
Feels like I was closer to death for a second there and it reminds me of the fragility of life and brings me into the now, being here and being present.
The nurses calling “reaction” to alert the team, I get that this happens sometimes but still that feeling of total loss of control, being at the mercy of my body reacting to the poison that’s being put into me.
And again being reminded what chemo really is, poisonous, dangerous and damaging.
I’m grateful to have been thrown back into the middle of life, the present, feeling alive.
Why is it be so hard to stay in that space when things move along smoothly?
Having felt better and lived almost like my normal life, it’s so easy to let things go back to that half asleep state where the days just go by, without you really being there. Existing instead of living.
So thank you again Universe, for dropping me back into life, reminding me that living in a space of presence and true awareness is what it’s all about for me.