Yes I know I wrote about this earlier but being in this situation of still being affected by chemo and so looking forward to the very close end of it all shows me that “not being in the now” makes your day, your life, full of some kind of emptiness, if that’s even possible, to be full of emptiness.
Being in the grip of chemo, specially when I was doing my worst, even if horrible it had me be right there and not be able to do anything else than just ride it out. To let the discomfort, my state, my experience just be and me right there, in it. To truly be in the moment of my life.
Now when I can see the end and don’t feel as horrible anymore I’ve left the “now” and think, plan and long for the “after chemo”, detoxing and eventually being able to go back to a normal existence.
So the tiredness becomes in some ways more bothersome or maybe irritating is a better word and moving towards the future ever so much slower.
I realise, at least for me, that being in the moment of life, as uncomfortable as it might be, is in some ways easier than when longing for the future.
Being in the “now” has a quietness, a stillness to it. It has a presence of fullness and comfortable emptiness at the same time.
There is relaxation and ease to be found there. It’s as if that part that is truly you, the deeper part that’s not your body, can rest and just be.
Such a vivid experience of where life really is, not in the past, not in the future, but right here and right now.