Wake up too early and too tired.
Worried about money, about my health and the empty space that seems to be my life when looking to the future.
Amazing and scary to realise how much chemo added to my life. Focus, purpose, reason to eat well, to take care and to fill my days with healing in thoughts and actions.
And how empty it now seems.
What was I doing before cancer, before chemo, before this journey started?
Had planned o writing about all the positive things, like my party to celebrate end pf chemo last Saturday. Such a great group of people and such a good time, enjoying the garden that belongs to the building, having wine and talking about travelling, summer activities and life.
Gifts of flowers, tea, coffee, wine and a piece of jewellery from my son and his girlfriend, in the shape of a feather, to remind me of the tattoo I have planned at the end of chemo. Doctor said wait another month to make sure the risk of infection is over.
Wanted to write about going back to the gym but my hips and legs have bothered me so much that I only managed that one time. Doctor said it could be from chemo and that it might take a while for it to go away.
Anyway, have an appointment tomorrow to find out if maybe acupuncture or something like that can help.
I was so set on being back in life as soon as chemo ended that now I feel lost. I do understand that chemo has wrecked my body, that the loneliness and inactivity has clouded my mind and that to get back is not just about ending the treatment but to heal and balance everything that’s been damaged.
My doctor is such a sweetheart and does listen to my different ways of thinking but it’s amazing that it seems that all focus is on surviving. and so little on living, or at least quality of life. Although I’m sure that her and her colleagues would disagree.
So maybe I need to turn my focus to quality of life and what can bring me back and also bring me to new venues, new paths and stop complaining. Stop being a victim of something that I choose to do and that so far has been, even if horrible and so hard, an amazing experience in so many ways.
And so far-
I am less tired and have more energy.
Even if I think (not anyone else) I look like a 90 year old woman, my hair is growing back.
I have slept two nights without Aspirin so my hips have hurt less.
I have lost a couple of kilos (which means even more pounds :).
I have worked a couple of times at V’s pop-up (both getting out of the house and making money).
Winston is behaving better.
I have started studying Energy Medicine.
And today is another beautiful day in this space we call life.
So even if this might bore you (and I don’t blame you!), it does help me to write about it all, get it off my chest, see the ridiculousness in it all, step out of victimhood and start focusing on that brighter future that I know is just around the corner.